I MEAN it!

When your about to become a parent, you start to see how other people deal with their children and you think about how you would do things differently or maybe the same exact way. No matter how many books you read, and how many people you watch or kids you babysit... you are never prepared! I have a sister in law who as it seemed every time I was at the house was screaming her head off! I mean this woman has no patience it seems. I never understood why she was always screaming! Mind you she does have 5 children all in pretty close age. But I never understood her tactics and it was always something we just made fun of. I never sat down and talked to her about the stresses of being a mother, especially with so many children! At the time I didn't have any kids and just never saw her side of things. Once I knew I was having children I envisioned myself as being a different mom than I turned out to be. At times I can be more patient then I ever thought possible, and other times the fuse is only about an inch long! My kids are 1yr and 3 months apart. Sometimes I feel like I have twins! I mean they are always fighting over the same toys, and the fact that I have a boy and a girl, you would think they would want to play with different things.... well they don't. They don't care if it's a manly toy machine gun or a platinum pink super barbie... they both want to play with it! Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed by a lot of stuff and my children are one of them. They seem to never take me seriously. I can talk down to them, I can send them to time-out, I can threaten going to bed.. or taking something away from them... it doesn't matter what it is I tell them.... they act as though I don't exist! I am not one to give empty threats either, I mean what I say and I act accordingly..... and yet they will defy me every chance they get. Now my kids are only 2 and 4 years old.... easy you would think to control the little beasts right? I hate having to play the role of the "bad cop" and yet it seems to be the role I always land. I get so frustrated sometimes and I feel helpless... my kids don't respect me I think, they don't listen to me, they think I'm a joke. Left and right I get talked back to... I get temper tantrums.... I get straight NO to my face! It drives me insane sometimes, because I try so hard to stay calm and to keep my cool.... but sometimes I SNAP... sometimes I blow and Mommy... gives up! I start screaming like a crazy person... I keep repeating myself like a broken record... I throw things...(I got to look intimidating some how), I just seriously flip out. And then what happens? People start listening... people start making moves and doing what I ask of them... but why... why... does it have to get to that point? I don't understand what I am doing wrong... why do people feel the need to dismiss my emotions and thoughts? Why do I have to have a near heart attack inducing fit of rage for someone to listen to me? Then I look like the crazy one... overreacting.... but no one seems to understand where I am coming from. I realized that I need to chill out... I need to let everyone just swallow themselves up.... I have to just focus on the main things... are my children happy? are they healthy? are they safe? Maybe everything else will eventually fall in place... maybe... I just won't care if it does anymore. At the end of the day you can be susie homemaker and have an awesome house, awesome well be-haved children, but we aren't all like that. I need to embrace the fact that I will not be the mom I thought I was going to be.... but at least I'm not my mom!